DeCeMbEr 30...the day I lost my pride...

Today was awesomely terrible, in all my twenty something odd years on this earth, never have I felt so humiliated and worthless before. Every bit of me just wants to scream, and then scream some more. I watched myself reduce myself to poop because of a man, a man I promised to love and cherish for the rest of my days, the first man I ever introduced to my Father, I remember looking into my Father's eyes and saying 'yes Dad he is definitely The One' so as I write this, I ask myself  Where did it all go wrong?

I have a lot going on in my life right now, it's funny how it's the one person that you expect to understand and just get you, that ends up being the one to tear you down and tear your world apart. I think the last time I felt this exact same way was when I was in Law School (08/09) and then, it was a really abusive relationship, in every way. Three/four years down the line, I'm beating myself up for allowing myself to relive such a moment. I used to be so damn strong, I have this scrapbook (in this part of the world, some of us call it the 'sign-out book' lol) from secondary school (I think I was about 15/16) and in it, my best friend then, mentioned that one of the reasons why she loved and admired me so much was how I dealt with and handled the opposite sex and that she wished she had my kind of emotional strength. Deep. Fast-forward to ten years later, What.A.Shame. Check this; this same best friend now does not understand how and why I have become such a 'weakling'.*Le sigh*.

I think over the years, due to a few pieces of advice here and there and in a bid to calm down, I relaxed a little and became erm, softer? Is that the word? Point of correction, I think I let it go way too far and somehow, it turned into weakness. Then, I was what the Yorubas would call "o le l'omo" (it means a 'hard child' or 'hard-hearted child' or something like that), I heard that phrase way too many times as a teen.

I'm a lawyer and a writer so I tend to read a whole lot. I read somewhere online that there are different kinds of tears. Furthermore, I also read that, and I quote 'after a woman cries, she has cleansed her soul and is now ready to take action, the infinite power within her kicks in and nothing can stop her decision to move on'. Okay here's the tricky bit, the writer goes further to explain that if the woman has a high self-esteem or is spiritual, the confidence to move on would flow naturally but if the reverse were the case, she would need some sort of support system, it could be counselling, to remind her of her power as a woman and that she is worthy to be. Hmmm very interesting article if I say so myself.

Okay, moving on. . .I will always say this, I miss the support system I had back when I was in University in England. Honestly, it was truly amazing and the best ever. From the Personal Tutors to the Lecturers to the Doctors to the Counsellors, amazeballs! In a weird way, up till today, I still believe my support system then, was what contributed to my ability to eventually make a 2:1 in my LLB and then go on to make a Merit in my LLM. Never EVER underestimate the powers of a good support system. It works wonders. I.Kid.You.Not

I am Woman. Pain is temporary. I love my Bible...'weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning'. I'm thankful for everything I'm dealing with and for the very reason that, as a result, I know my girl-child will not suffer. Ultimately, I will teach her to learn from these experiences. Lucky lucky girl.

So here's to December 30th my anniversary, the day I lost my pride, you are just one day to me by the special grace of God...joy always comes in the morning. 

FNLP, xoxo